Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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