Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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