How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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