My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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