Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
