I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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