My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
