I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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