i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize