Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
