he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
