Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
