The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
