My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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