idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
