I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
