I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
