so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
