2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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