Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
