I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
where am i from again
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
