You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
