Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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