hotel room ftw
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
