I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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