More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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