He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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