he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize