I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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