They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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