what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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