all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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