I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
