Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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