Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
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