Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
