Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
