my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
