omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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