Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My ass is underappreciated
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
