you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
