There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
