Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
