the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
