Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
