see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
