I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
