Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize