I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
