Your dad touched me again.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
