bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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