I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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