i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
