Pants 0. Shit 1.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize