no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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