my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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